*Note from the author

  • The Drunk Dorks informed me that no one on their staff was available to cover the Sony press conference. Rico told me that I should do it, and I agreed. However, you may notice that I have no actual idea on how to be a game reviewer, a journalist, or even more specifically, a game journalist…so, I stuck to my strengths. I wrote this in past tense narrative form of my actual experience remembering what I watched. Also, I was drinking very heavily at the time this was written. Enjoy.

**Second note from the author

  • This is a key for all you grammar Nazis. Everything in the (parenthesis) will be in present tense as that is my conscious mind outside of the story. Everything in the [brackets] are notes to the editor of Drunk Dorks, so if you see any content in a bracket, know that whoever reviewed and edited this article felt that it was funny, or they were just too lazy to take it out.
  • Anything expressed in purple is the direct comments of Rico. They’re mostly to Wesley. This is how we communicate. You can read them if you like. 

The opening of ceremony the press conference was very grandiose and I’m sure it would have been epic had I been there. All sorts of emotions were run through, and then Shawn Layden stepped on stage first. He gave a very moving speech about video games that even rallied me on board in what I could only assume was a similar tactic that Hitler used to rally his troops.

The first game announced had a child walking around and being followed by a rat-like chicken-legged dog creature. To sum up (and I know we just started, but the conference lasted about 90 minutes and I’ve got a lot of things to talk about) I’m sure the game is moving, visually striking, endearing to those who know what the hell it’s a follow up to, and beautiful, but I just watch 6 minutes of a small boy yelling at a flying, beak-mouthed terrier and perusing across crumbling scenery at extremely dangerous heights. (So to those of you looking forward to The Last Guardian, good news, it’s been announced for 2016).

Then, as the lights slowly came up, I found Shawn Layden had transformed into an Asian man who wanted to be known as Shuhei Yoshida. As Shuhei stood on the stage, he was very excited in explaining exactly why I was forced to watch whatever the hell it was that appeared on my monitor, and then just like that he said some other dudes name and walked off the stage. A part of me was thinking that he wasn’t supposed to be up there, like there was some sort of mix up in the name drawing and they just said, “Oh well, he’s already here and it’d just kill him if we didn’t let him announce the guest so, what the hell, let him do it.”

And with that, Hermen Hulst took the stage with a proud yet starchy walk. As he spoke a few quick words about his newest franchise I tried to place his accent, and then I realized there was a trailer in front of me so I gave up. The scenes of nature passed by my eyes and a similar feeling came over me as if I was watching footage from that one show where it depicted what would happen if all the humans died and the city landscapes greened over. Then, out of nowhere, an Inuk tribe was doing stuff and robot animals were walking around. This narrator, who turned out to be a punk rock archer, killed a baby animal and started to hunt the robot beasts all the while talking to herself (I assume that was a device put in for the player much like when Bruce Willis talks to the viewers in Die Hard). After a fierce battle with Hal 9000: Stegosaurus Addition, I saw the title, Horizon: Zero Dawn. This game peaked my interest and looked quite amusing as far as story line and mechanics go. I found myself thinking I may just stumble through it if I ever get the time.

Simmering in my own curiosity, I then was presented with the name of a company that has been disappointing me for years, Square Enix. As I watched what looked like the teaser for a Burn Notice movie, my heart seemed less heavy when I recognized Mr. Clean in his mercenary attire. (I should probably mention that by saying Square Enix has been disappointing me for years, I’m only referring to the Final Fantasy franchise that has been GARBAGE ever since the release of X-2. Yeah, I said it. Come at me. Defend your precious Barbie dress up simulator.) While sitting there never having played a Hitman game, I was still extremely pleased with the announcement. My hopes were getting higher for the rest of the evening at this point.

Suddenly, Asad Qizilbash, a celebrated Hindu-stani musician, emerged out of the darkness as the man running the god mic hilariously mispronounced his name to describe the forthcoming release of the next game in the Hitman series. He described the new game in the franchise being the most ambitious. Turns out if you pre order the game, you get a bunch of extra stuff to go with it (imagine that). Afterwards, he threw out the words fighter, five, and street (not in that order) and in lieu of any actual description of the new game in detail, I’ll provide you with this; everything you’ve seen from the previous games with better graphics. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to it, but just watch this trailer if you don’t believe me.)

Sean Murray came next proclaiming to show footage of how No Man’s Sky actually plays since he cock teased the E3 audience last year with a video. The game appeared to be a sandbox, as he described it, full of so many choices; much like life, (however all the fun choices probably won’t get you arrested in the game as they would in life). While I spectated the mostly silent Sean play the small bit of space combat, I had horrible flashbacks to the ancient computer game involving the X-Wing fighters. I was wistfully taken out of that trance by watching a fast travel system reminiscent of an old Windows 95 screen saver. (If you understood that reference you have dated yourself as I have) He said the word ‘beacon’ several times and then explored a planet on foot, scanning things with his Metroid Prime-esque HUD, blowing up the environment, and running from the clearly ripped off ATST look alike robots. Then, with a lack of showmanship, he kindly thanked the audience and left in darkness. (It made for a very dramatic Nick Canon-like moment. You know the one from Drumline where he dropped the sticks on the other guy’s snare?)

[Insert that GIF if you can find it. If not leave this in the article. I’ve had several drinks at this point and find it funny.]

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“Qizilbash has a habit of appearing out of the dark apparently,” I thought to myself as greenish fog followed his ambiguous introduction for the next title. But the theatrics were interrupted by a man known only as Alex Evans, who started speaking without light on the stage. I couldn’t make out was he said exactly, but something about Dreams. Then he showed a video and I saw these things in the following order: Mozart, a Coca Cola commercial, an animated clip from Olan Roger’s Pop Rocket series, Naughty Bear fighting Plants vs. Zombies, polar bear Mozart and bubbles.

A roaring applause filled the air and Qizilbash (…Qizilbash…) forced us to watch a cel shaded park ranger from Wyoming act out what seemed to be the video game equivalent to the Coen Brothers film Fargo. Adam Boyes made no mention of it as he transitioned into Destiny.

I struggled to figure out if The Taken King was a sequel or an expansion, but I didn’t take too much time because another Assassin’s Creed trailer quickly followed. (Sorry, I got nothing. Some Sherlock Holmes stuff was teased, but meh. I mean really, how many games are they going to make before this dead horse can stop getting battered like Rihanna? Too soon?) {I felt this joke was in bad taste… so I left it in.}

Adam must have drawn the short straw back stage because he had the misfortune of announcing the pseudo-chibi Final Fantasy game as well as the remake of Final Fantasy VII. My head hung in shame wishing that Square Enix would make an original Final Fantasy game that doesn’t suck. (SERIOUSLY!? WHY ARE YOU STILL MILKING VII!? I MEAN IT WAS GROUND BREAKING AT THE TIME BUT COME ON!! HOW TAPPED OUT IS YOUR CREATIVE STAFF!?) The trailer looked enticing, but my soul still longed for something more.

A Devolver Digital promo video passed by my sight lines gave my mind and body a well needed break from the previous “epic” announcements. I sat in confusion, but I thought, “Those look fun.”

Then…Shenmue III. (I should probably mention that I hold a very unpopular opinion when it comes to these games. I don’t like ‘em. And no amount of comments or arguing for their brilliance will convince me otherwise. I’m American, dammit.)

After Yu Suzuki begged mercilessly for money from the Shenmue fans by showing the Kickstarter page, Adam pulled out a list and politely dismissed himself. A ray of hope shined through as a striking visual spectacle graced my eyes. Batman: Arkham Knight!

[Insert that trailer if you feel like it.] {I don’t, but I will anyway. Just for you Wes.}

But alas, I was shot down in my hour of glory. Project Morpheus announced a virtual reality experience that will almost certainly not deliver any of the majesty it promises.

[Is there video of this? I’m too drunk and bewildered to bother looking?] {There is. Don’t worry Wes, I’ve got your drunk ass covered!}

My vision became hazy and many things were mentioned such as Spotify, PlayStation Vue, and Machinima. Then, when all seemed lost, Mark Lamia burst forth on the stage amidst a roar of excitement and in front of a Treyarch logo, to announce the reveal of Titanfall 2! (No, that’s not a mistake. That should tell you how much I respect the ongoing franchise that is Call of Duty.)

[Insert Black Ops 3 gameplay footage] {Do I… do I really have to? Ugh. The should have called it ARMageddon, am I right? …no… okay}

I sat and pondered exactly how many games the development team stole things from; I could see Bioshock, Titanfall, Star Wars, Revolt, that scene from the Matrix Revolutions where Trinity dies as a result of being impaled with rebar in the cockpit. My only solace at this low point in my life was the drink sitting next to me. As it was almost empty, I poured another. I figured I would more than likely need it to finish this conference.

And indeed, my suspicions were confirmed, for David Vonderhaar stepped forth to explain in detail the exact same game that gamers have been buying for years.

[Based on my own opinions, morals and principles, I request that you don’t insert the footage he displayed. However, you are the editor-in-chief for Drunk Dorks, so I’ll leave it up to you if you feel like taking out this particular bracketed section.] {How many times does the audience need COD explained to them?}

After the horror was over, a second video montage played. Scenes from upcoming titles too numerous to list blasted their way into my senses. I saw Legos and I saw Metal Gear (Probably the only game series I have continued to follow since childhood mind you). The PS Vita made an appearance and the crowd looked uninterested. (Seriously, if you don’t believe me go watch it. They didn’t give two shits.) My ears then twitched as I heard a name I was familiar with, Star Wars!

They quickly wilted upon realizing that a man name John Vignocchi (whose last name sounds like a pasta dish) just wanted to let us know that Star Wars characters that I came to know and love over the years would be featured in that strange Disney Infinity virtual child toy thing. (Seriously, what the fuck is that?)

[Insert the stuff he talked about here. I gave you a link page that has a list of stuff that you can deem most appropriate] {Here’s a trailer instead}

My bitterness however, started to melt slightly as the gameplay was shown. It brought me back to a time when I could play Star Wars games with child-like innocence. I had to admit, it looked fun, and Vignocchi knew it as he walked off the stage.

Patrick Bach started speaking before I realized what he was talking about, and then it hit me like a rush of mountain air. BATTLEFRONT! (It’s probably not going to be all that different from the other ones, but HOLY FUCK AM I STOKED!) The glorious HD graphics and nostalgic images made me feel feeling that I didn’t think existed in a 26 year old man.

[Seriously, there’s so much amazing footage of this shit, you’ll have to decide what to put.]

At that moment, the conference was coming to a close. The closing announcement was very captivating. However, as a person who has never played any of the Uncharted games, I was like, “meh, I guess it looks cool.”

All in all, I went through the full range of happiness, child-like wonder, anger, blood red rage, and fear. If I had to give me one last impression of what I had witnessed, if I had to leave you all with a note about my experience, if I had to pick my favorite thing about the E3 2015 Sony press conference, it would be this; whoever was doing the sound mixing did an amazing job.

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